Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Sext me about skeletons
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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