I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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