just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
