i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
