I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
