I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
