you turned your livingroom into a bong?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I touched a dick in church today
My vagina is very pro this idea
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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