And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
