You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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