My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
