Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
