there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
