Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize