He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
