Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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