Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
