after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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