Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
