Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
