4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Randomize
