you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
