can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
