no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Blow job season was short but glorious.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize