im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
