she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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