i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
