I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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