Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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