Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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