she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I look excited, but its just a facade.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
