What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
