At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
