He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Randomize
