Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
