I bet he comes in French.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
So squirting runs in the family.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
