Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize