Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Dear god my vagina.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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