does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
