It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
