But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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