Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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