i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
