I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
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