now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
