??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
