I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
