can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
