the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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