The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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