I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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