Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
The power of my boobs compel you
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
