Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
