he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
